


You.

by NiaQ



Category: Original Work
Genre: Abandonment, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Romance, Bad Poetry, Emotional Baggage, F/F, Falling In Love, Heartbreak, I'm Bad At Everything, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Bad At Titles, I'm Sorry, I'm a useless lesbian in love with a girl, Implied/Referenced Suicide, LGBTQ Themes, Mental Health Issues, No Smut, Not Beta Read, Original Character(s), Original work - Freeform, Poetry, Pride, Romance, Sad Ending, Sapphic Poetry - Freeform, Sappho - Freeform, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Worth Issues, Tragic Romance, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, Useless Lesbians, lesbian poetry, pride month, sad everything really, wlw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:41:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 3,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24586276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NiaQ/pseuds/NiaQ
Summary: I don't see the sunflowers the same since I met you, Sara.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	1. WE WERE YOUNG KIDS

**Author's Note:**

> This is also published on wattpad under the same name, my username is @qwin_nia

A clouded mind and hooded eyes  
I remember us kissing on a hot summer night.

We were young kids  
And we didn't know  
How love can pain us so.

I cry as my lips tremble and eyes close shut,  
Knowing you have kissed me for the last time.

We were young kids,   
We still don't know  
In love is not where we belong. 


	2. Four Minutes

Some believe it takes 4 minutes.

One minute to see you.

That morning with sunflowers as your crown. Your hand in mine like you fear nothing. And coffee that I can't make in the perfect way you do. That couch on your front porch and the music you love. Kisses I stole in a passing. Your smile.

Two minutes to recognise you.

Trip I took to Barcelona. Way I wished every text I got was yours. The way my smile didn't want to fall from my lips. Ache that didn't cease until I got back to you in the coffee shop with random things I wanted to give you and that bracelet I searched for for a week.

Three minutes to see your flaws.

Sadness behind your smile. Tiredness in your eyes when you lied your head on my shoulder. Your impatience at moments of my madness. Stubbornness you carried when I asked you to be mine. Anger in the seconds I worried.

Four minutes to love you despite of them. 


	3. Dance With the Devil

I danced with the devil. You kissed my neck and put a hand on my hip. Taking my breath away by the mere proximity of your lips. I see your smile behind my eyelids, I know how your touch feels in my dreams. 

You make me smile. Make me breathe when I have been holding my breath for years before you came along. And my heart quickens as you comes closer, close enough to touch. My mind races and you are my every thought. 

I didn't plan on it. I didn't think this would happen. 

Yet, it did. I fell for you. 


	4. Love Has A Plan

Love does not come with a plan. Not one I was aware of. I didn't get a play by play. For me, it just happened. 

One day, you were just a girl I saw once in a while. Girl I told "hi" in a passing, sit for a while and talk about something trivial. Someone I laughed with for ten minutes before I went back to the painful melancholy of a boring life mine became. The girl that always smelled nice and laughed despite of pain. 

But then love happened, without an appointment. No warning. 

And normal talks became deep as the ocean and your voice became my favourite symphony. I didn't plan on it, yet your eyes became so familiar as if my soul knew yours for lifetimes I never lived. Your smell became my favourite perfume. My heart lets its veins attach to your body, mind and soul. 

I didn't plan on loving you, Sara. But, I do. Yeah, I do. 


	5. Write Happiness Down

I know how to write pain. It simply seeps into my poetry. Scratches at the walls around me until there is enough blood to replace the ink. 

With you, learning to write happiness is easy. How to write love at its purest form.

You are my unknown universe and I am willing to explore your every curve. To trace my fingers lightly over your skin, and once there isn't a place I hadn't touched, I want to hold you as if I am holding your soul between my fingers. Caress it lightly till I cut my fingers on its rough edges. Smooth down its wrinkles. Find a torch to light up all its darkest corners. 

I want to light them up the way your touch ignites my skin. The way your smile makes my heart shine with the light I never knew I possessed. Light that I offer to you, for I have nothing more to give, to warm you when nights are cold and shine so your way home is easier to find. 


	6. Deepest Green

A butterfly flutters its wings beside me and my eyes follow. It leaves a trail of sun like yellow followed with a pearl white glow, curious of the world around it. It flies left, then right, then left again. It opens its wings and closes them, trusting they will not betray him. And a life goes by in a day of sunflower yellow.

Screen before me play images of a fire. It burns big and bright, yet all I see is ocean blue on my fingers as I watch it. My mind wonders how can two hands destroy so much. How can a mind be so cruel to its own self. I leave a trail of blue with a tinge of purple on the screen as I slide to the next image.

Boy rushes down the street brushing against me. His eyes are crinkled at the sides and his smile is stretched as far as it can be. His footsteps are green on the pavement. They are small, but bright and slowly every grey footstep on the street turn a different shade of green as he runs pass them.

Woman walks up to the building and stops. She looks at the big glass doors and I can see the brown she carries with her. A few seconds pass as the brown turns into a sunrise orange and the crease between her brows turn from worry to pure determination.

I see his eyes burning bright red as he shouts. Gone mad and furious with rage, chairs fly across the room. She shushes him, calms him down leaving a bright pink trace over his chest. His shoulders sag and his head falls. I see them disappear in the cloud of pink.

I want stories, I want colours. Don't give me watered down things just because it's too hard to give. Give me blue in full colour, give me your sadness. Give me green in full colour, give me your happiness. Give me yellow, your curiosity. Give me red, your anger. Give me orange, determination, ambition. Give me purple, failures. Pearl white, your trust. Brown, your fears. Gray, your stress and your boredom.

I see in colours. And you remind me of the deepest green I have ever seen. 


	7. The Feeling

There is this feeling you get when you fall for someone. It's not butterflies, although I get them too. It's some sense of calmness. As if you just arrived home from an exhausting day at work and got to put your bags down. 

The feeling is overwhelming when I am with you. It's every Saturday and Sunday morning I woke up next to you combined into one second. Every kiss and every caress. Every smile I seen grace your lips and every that fell upon mine. It is a combination of every nanosecond of happiness I ever felt put into one. 

Calmness which transformed my room into a home when you are in it. Which built our four walls and shut the pain outside. Which let us have happiness for a moment in time. 


	8. One, Two, Three

First light I see when I close my eyes is you. You burn as bright and as gentle as the moon. Your soul is knitted from a thousand stars, forged with careful hands, smile dipped in silver and gold. Your eyes hold galaxies; let me roam the long-forgotten kingdoms you hold.

I am the sun. I sting and I burn, but you soften my touch. You smooth down my rough edges and kiss the cracked open wounds. My goddess, you shield me from harm. To you I run, to you I escape. And as the night falls, I fall. As the seasons change, and the night comes closer, my powers cease. I fall harder, faster. I crash upon impact and burn, yet I only melt when I am with you. Compared to strangers, I am a forest fire; compared to you, I am merely a candle with a soft glow.

"One, two, three." I love you. I want you. I need you.

"Three, two, one." I see you. I understand you. I cherish you.

I will seize every moment of your time. A clock cannot tell me how much of it I need. A month is not enough and forever might be too much, yet I find myself lost in the abyss that is your essence for all of eternity. The construct of time humanity created doesn't apply to us. You, my goddess, are timeless. And I, a mere star in the galaxy, want to worship you the way you should have been worshiped from the beginning.

I know I cannot glue you together for my hands shake and my feet stumble at each step. I know I cannot heal everything humanity troubled you with. Do appreciate my efforts, goddess. Because I would not die for you, for that is too easy. Because I would live for you, for that is a harder task.


	9. Alive In My Memory

You are alive in my memory. You dance behind my eyelids. You laugh in my eardrums. Your hands trace my skin like they don't want to let go. Your lips graze upon mine as if they know it's the last time they ever will. 


	10. Apartment

I have a whole apartment filled with memories of you and you nowhere to be found. 

This was a place for two, but now I am claustrophobic in my room. 


	11. Ink Stained Fingers

I have ink stained fingers and your name on the tip of my tongue. The room smells of smoke and your lips dare to touch mine. 

The moonlight vanished in the dead of the night, following your footsteps and the sound of my aching heart. 

A bottle of whiskey accompanies me, waiting for nightfall to begin my demise. A shatter of glass across the floor and a melancholic dull sound. 


	12. I Do

The pain and torture is not something I can bear. Yet, I do. Yet, I do.

I cannot forget the way your lips felt upon my shoulders. Yet, I do. Yet, I do.

How do I pretend you never kissed my neck? Yet, I do. Yet, I do.

Because you carry a smile in your eyes,  
Because you could be happy given the time,  
Because you deserve to be loved greatly.   
You do.

Yes, I love you. I do. I do.

No, you cannot choose me, even if I want you to.

~~Yet, you do.~~


	13. Perfect Imperfection

I remember the secret kisses on the main square we hide from others to avoid judgment. Tapping three times on the table to tell you I love you. Waking up next to you and feeling like I can conquer the world no matter how harsh it was.

Those are the things I loved. And don't have.

But I get to keep your laugh. You have the most amazing laugh anybody will ever hear. And I get to keep your voice. Your arms around my shoulders. I get to keep that. And a black hoodie that you expect to get back that has the smell of flowers and sea.

I miss you. Because of the mornings when I wake up feeling like I can't do anything right. The afternoons when I am going home from school and I can't call you and and where should we meet up. Evenings when I don't go to meet you at a park bench where we talk, and laugh, and share kisses in the dark. But I miss you the most at night, when I clutch your hoodie to my chest and pretend it's you. Pretend I still have you in my arms, and it is still my right, my privilege to love you.

And I want to tell you that I don't want to feel apart. That whatever you're going through I am willing to go through with you. That it doesn't matter to me if you think you can't love me the way you think I deserve, because honestly, I don't deserve ten percent of what you have already given me. I want to tell you I even started sleeping on the other side because you hated when I turned my back to you. I want you to know:

You are _it_ for me. My favourite imperfection this world has created. 


	14. Relive

I relive our first kiss every time I see you. And every time I fall apart. 


	15. Insomnia

I have been an insomniac my whole life. Ever since I was a child, I simply couldn't sleep. My brain was going a mile a minute and it didn't shut up. 

So for me falling in love was falling asleep. 

When I led next to you everything just went quiet. I didn't think about other people, I just... fell. It was the kind of comfort you can't have just with anybody. It's not something you can pretend to have, something you can fake. 

With you everything went quiet and I felt safe. That's what love is. Peace. 

And you're lying to yourself you love someone if you don't love them like that. 


	16. "Hello?"

I want to call you, just to hear you say "Hello?"

I dial your number I learned by heart and stare at it-

"Damn, I miss you," I whisper and close the phone. 


	17. Don't Want To Know

You don't want to know,

I don't want the world,

I want you. 

You don't want to know;

what I am thinking of

when I am with you. 

You don't want to know; 

how it breaks my heart 

that we are through. 

You don't want to know; 

I don't know how to smile

without you. 

And maybe I am a fool for still loving you, 

but you are the best thing I ever had in this world. 


	18. Crowd

In a crowd of people I start missing you. The smell of your perfume. The smile lines at the corners of your eyes. The sound of your footsteps. 

I try to convince my mind, my heart doesn't love you anymore. It doesn't believe me. I lied to it so many times. For so many things. That I don't love you. That I don't miss you. That I don't feel your hands around me while I sleep. That I don't mind your absence in the morning. That I don't need you. 

But the truth is; I do. I need you here by my side to fall asleep. I need you to scare my fears away. The voices are getting so loud and I am terrified. 

I need you to keep them at bay. To save me; save me from myself. 


	19. Loneliness

Loneliness creeps up like a silent killer. And all I can do is write and smoke my lungs black. Words on paper were always my best friend, my cure and my salvation. Yet this time they aren't helping. The cold chill of nobody being here is suffocating me, killing me slowly from the inside. Soft melody doesn't help and there is no guardian angel to save me from my own destruction. Because, as I have realised, my mind is a dark place and no one has walked down these halls in a long while. Nobody ran to the darkest corner where I hide from my own creation – nobody saves me.

I'm paralysed. Paralysed by my own darkness, my own inability to move, run away from myself. So I stand, in the darkest corner, hoping you would hear my cries for help, you will say it's okay, light a match and let it all burn to the ground until nothing but ruins stand in a place where once was a maze of my own insecurities and fears.

You don't come. You never will. Because maybe you don't know how lonely it feels inside my skin. How hard it is to breathe with someone standing upon your chest telling you it's easy. Breathing. It's the simplest thing in the world – from the first moment to the last we breathe. And I am here breathing air that does not reach my lungs, doesn't give me the satisfaction of saying I am alive.

Because I feel very much dead. Like the air I am breathing would be better spent on another living being. If for no other reason, for the reason that I am not living. I am standing lost and helpless inside my own mind wanting my body to die so I can finally rest. 


	20. Dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: mentions of suicide

I feel dead for I have just made you hate me. I have done something I promised myself I never would. I would never lie to you, manipulate you, hide from you. Yet, I just did.

"Why did you do that?" my heart whispers as if it didn't know what my mind had just done. As if it was incredibly sorry, regretted every letter that passed my lips. And it did. 

But when I did the things I did in my heart emotions were dead and my mind told me I was doing the right thing. It was right to hurt you now for you will not hurt as much later. I am going to kill myself and you won't stop me. I am going to kill myself and you're not going to be in pain. 

But what a fool would I be to ignore the way your voice shook before it took a sharp edge. What an idiot would I have to be to ignore the fact you cared. 

"She cared. Now she doesn't", my mind reasons with the heart. "Problem solved."

Is it? 


	21. You and Me and September

You and me and September,  
Summer night between your sheets,   
You asked could you kiss me.   
I was your sleeping beauty,   
You were there to save me.  
  
You took my hand and we seemed to fly away,   
Smiled like a spring morning in the middle of May.  
Your hands caressed me,  
Like the night was never going to end.

Cold coffee on your porch,   
Sunflowers as your torch,  
You were the queen of my fall. 

Take me back to where rivers groan,   
Take me back to where flowers weep,   
Take me back to where you roam,   
Take me back to you and me.   
  
Take me back to where land meets the sky,   
Take me back to where oceans crash against the shore,   
Take me back to where you lie,   
Take me back to you and me. 

You and me and September,   
You laughed and I listened,   
Favorite melody on replay (for eternity).   
We were an inferno,   
Burn me, darlin', for cold hands don't ignite my soul.

  
You said you loved me on an endless summer night,  
I planted stars in your eyes so you could shine bright.   
I should have known it wasn’t going to last,   
But you made me forget my past. 

Take me back to where rivers groan,  
Take me back to where flowers weep.  
Take me back to where you roam,  
Take me back to you and me.

Take me back to where land meets the sky,   
Take me back to where oceans crash against the shore,   
Take me back to where you lie,   
Take me back to you and me. 

You and me and September,  
We danced and you smiled,   
Cutting the knives deeper than I should have allowed.   
You were there, watched me falling,  
How could you, my darling? 

You were the devil in disguise,  
Sold me lies and ignored my cries.   
You faked the smiles and told me lies,   
Ammunition left me blind,  
My heart weeping useless howls. 

Broken on the floor you’ve found me,   
Dreaming of us dancing between the stars,  
Memories of you in my arms,   
Unable to forget your charms. 

Take me back to where rivers groan,  
Take me back to where flowers weep.  
Take me back to where you roam,  
Take me back to you and me.

Take me back to where land meets the sky,   
Take me back to where oceans crash against the shore,   
Take me back to where you lie,   
Take me back to you and me.


	22. Dream

I have asked the universe to let me fix it. To give me a chance to crawl between her arms again. And the universe gifted me with a dream in which we tangled in between the bed sheets, kissed in the morning sun. 

I woke up with heartache as a friend and tears at the corners of my eyes, but at least I had one more kiss. One more touch. Even if it wasn't real. 

So to all asking where I am, I am dreaming of her smile and the way her lips feel pressed against mine. 

**Author's Note:**

> This was written a while ago and posted on Wattpad. It took a lot from me to write it, to be able to open up so much that I can really say what I want to, let alone share it with the world. 
> 
> This is my soul on a screen, so I hope you enjoyed the walk-through.
> 
> All my love,   
> Nia


End file.
